Saying Goodbye

Mary V. Knapp
February 3, 1939 - November 27, 2008

I know it has been awhile since I posted last, but the last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me and my family.

On November 6, we were told that my Grandma K. had lung cancer. When that diagnosis was made, I moved myself and my children back to my hometown so I could spend some quality time with her and help my Mama take care of her.

My grandma spent 5 days in the hospital after the diagnosis and then returned home. I stayed with her and drove her to doctor's appointments and made sure she took her medication on time and made sure she was eating and drinking and just spent good, quality time with her.

It was almost a week after we learned that she had lung cancer before we knew what kind of lung cancer it was. On Wednesday, November 12, we visited her oncologist who informed us that she had small cell carcinoma. Being an internet and research junkie, I had already googled, asked, wikipediaed, etc. the disease. We were all praying that she would be diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer (the better of the two).

Unfortunately, our prayers were not answered in that regard. We began praying for time and treatment immediately. One week later, my grandmother was back at the hospital having a port placed so that she could begin chemotherapy the following Monday. After the port was placed, we visited her oncologist again and he admitted her to the hospital again. She was severely dehydrated and her blood levels were way off (potassium and sodium off the charts high and her proteins were almost undetectable).

She was confused and paranoid and we really just wanted her to get better. That did not happen. On Thanksgiving day, November 27 at 5:40 pm, my grandmother was called home to become heaven's newest angel. She was surrounded by the majority of her family and my mom and I never left her side.

The past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks of my life and until now, I have not been able to tell this story. My mom has been telling me for at least a week now that I needed to post something new and I just haven't been able to. You see my mom is an only child and so am I. The two of us have spent the last two weeks planning a funeral, dealing with insurance companies, monument companies, credit card companies, and sorting through closets, file cabinets, dressers, etc.; just taking care of business.

A couple of minutes ago marked the two week anniversary of the passing of my dear, sweet grandmother and while I am still struggling with the loss of such an integral part of my life, I have come to the realization that she would not want me to dwell on her passing, but to live, laugh, and love my life to the fullest.

In the words of my grandmother, "Don't have a funeral...have a PARTY! I will be in a better place and will be loving every minute of it!"

While we can't seem to bring ourselves to have a party quite yet (there is one in the works for what would have been her 70th birthday), we are having more good moments and laughing a little bit more each day.

Christmas won't be the same this year, but life continues without those we have lost and we must LIVE in spite of our grief. I hope you all have a blessed Christmas! I know I will because I have a new guardian angel watching over me and the ones I love!